Difficult conversations are uncomfortable. Yet everyone has them. A 2018 survey by the Economist Intelligence Unit says that the most significant consequence of poor workplace communication is added stress and failure to complete a project.

When you consider the added stress to both you and the other person, avoiding a conversation can be devastating. How often do you procrastinate with a tough conversation? If you’re like most people, you will ignore the issue and let it fester and do more harm.

Healthy conversations help people and organizations grow

It’s important to deal with difficult issues directly and early whether you have to share something uncomfortable or give hard news. When you lead others in a real conversation it makes for a healthier workplace for everyone.

How you address the issue matters

When talking with someone about a difficult issue, be aware of:

  1. The message you convey with your words.
  2. How your words make the person feel.
  3. The tone you use.

Think about it. When a person is fully engaged in a conversation and receiving the message well, they are more likely to have positive thoughts about the situation.

What about your own experience? Can you remember a time when you took feedback well? I can. When I received negative feedback about a meeting I led, I reflected on the feedback and let it change what I did because I respected the person’s opinion that gave it to me. I trusted that they had my best interest at heart. And, I trusted their motives.

On the other hand, when the person you’re talking with is feeling defensive, they will begin to have negative thoughts. They don’t feel safe in the conversation with you.

When someone doesn’t feel safe, it typically shows up in their reaction. For example, they may:

  • Avoid the conversation or change the subject
  • Withdraw from you or avoid eye contact
  • Respond sarcastically or make a joke to ease their tension
  • Get defensive in response to you

To create a safe environment for a difficult conversation, show by your words and actions that you care about the person. Make sure your motive for having the conversation is honorable.

7-steps for difficult conversations

  1. Gather your thoughts before the meeting. Know how you’ll start the conversation. Your first few words are important to set the tone of the conversation. Know the critical point you want to make. If it’s a change in behavior that you’re after, have a specific example in mind.
  2. Describe with facts. Describe the situation or behavior you see and the impact it has on the team, budget, or project. Speak without judgment. Focus on the situation they’re involved with or the behavior they exhibit. Talk about your experience with the behavior. Speak openly, tactfully, and with truth.
  3. Ask questions and listen. It helps to see things from the perspective of the other person. Ask questions about when, what, and how. Open-ended questions draw out the conversation. Avoid using too many ‘why’ questions. They tend to put the other person in a defensive mode rather than an open discussion mode. Be open-minded and curious, don’t assume you know everything about the situation.
  4. Acknowledge the person’s perspective. You don’t have to agree with their perspective, but you can seek to understand it. It helps to paraphrase what the other person is saying to show you’re able to articulate their point of view. Express your commitment to support them and find a solution.
  5. Encourage the person. Express confidence in the person and their ability to change. Use an attitude of trust and respect. Assume the person has good intentions.
  6. Focus on a solution. Don’t point fingers and blame someone else or some circumstance. Keep the focus on working toward a solution or behavior change.
  7. End with an action plan. Without it, there will be no closure to the conversation. Having an action plan also provides accountability. When looking for a solution, ask the person for their input; allow the other person to be involved to get their buy-in.

Take it forward

When having difficult conversations, it’s important to speak the truth with compassion. The bottom line —it’s about courage, even when the situation is uncomfortable. This is where the growth edge is for many—building your character to have a hard conversation rather than staying comfortable and ignoring the situation hoping it will go away.

To have courage in a difficult conversation is to resist the impulse to not act or not address the situation and to reframe your emotion surrounding the action you need to take –move your thoughts from ‘I’m afraid of this encounter’ to ‘this will help to get everyone on track again.’

What behavior have you turned a blind eye to that needs to be addressed? Will you now have the courage to address it?